Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

ㅤ

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.