Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.