Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.