mom gave me mine for free
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Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting