Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.