*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
who named him groot and not spruce lee
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.