Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

🤣🤣

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.