MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
british sex workers really pound for pound
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”