Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

step 6: release the wall snake

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.