[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
This guy’s not having it 😆
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.