Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”