Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

the only bumper sticker ill allow

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.