mom had nothing to worry about
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
All generalizations are stupid.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.