Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me: