Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

Be vigilant

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.