Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.