Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.