Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]