Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.