Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

moms in horror movies

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat