Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Seems kinda suspicious

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them