Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”