Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
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I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
omg leave her alone
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.