Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*