Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
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Not all heroes wear capes….
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my mind
You just read my mind
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific