accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8