Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
i wish i could marry a nap
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*