Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”