Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change