Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.