Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Good morning

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Europe. Made in Germany.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!