Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Just ordered me some pizza!

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

Check your privilege

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.