MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!![]()
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
won’t smith
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
classic mixup
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I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?