Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

Check out the legs on this baby

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone