Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

I’d use my best pan on you.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

the battle rages on

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine