mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Doug is just Canadian for dog