Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

decorating my apartment

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Passwords are more important than ever.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.