Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back


I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids


Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.


[having girl over]
me: I work from home
her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer
*loud lion noises from bedroom*
me: ignore that