House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
There is no law that says you can’t smoke celery inside public places. What are they gonna do? Ask you to extinguish your celery? Doubtful.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
To me, God will always be that guy that could’ve made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, “Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS.”