Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.