a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[having girl over]
me: I work from home
her: I thought u were a wildlife photographer
*loud lion noises from bedroom*
me: ignore that
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.