Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

seriously you guys

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Dietest Coke

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Wasps: bees, but not helping

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card