Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

what

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”