MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
🙋♀️
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Who did it better?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*