MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]