Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

estão todos miauvindo?

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!