mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
favorite tropes as memes
