Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

What number SPF blocks people?

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

😂

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

plums roundup

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.