Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.