Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.