Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Huge if true.

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.