Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.