Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.