Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops