Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

My mom texting me from an anime convention

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.