Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“i miss shittin on people”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
dream blunt rotation
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer