Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar