Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.