Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.