Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks