“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
*weighs self after shaving
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I think I’m gonna be sick
“Why you watching this shit?”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it