Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

PLEASE READ

Leonardo DiCaprisun

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]