“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
You Might Also Like
im gay on my mothers side
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m awake but I object,
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that