Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.