Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.