“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.