“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich